Same TeamYou Need to Calm Down: The IEP Version
Why the loudest voice in the room is not always the strongest advocate
There is a Taylor Swift song called “You Need to Calm Down.”
And while I am fairly certain Taylor was not thinking about IEP meetings when she wrote it, some days I wonder if she had been sitting outside a conference room taking notes.
Because if you have ever been a parent sitting across from a school team discussing your child, you know the feeling.
Your heart starts racing.
Your mind starts replaying every concern.
Your questions come faster than you can organize them.
And suddenly, the calm, thoughtful person you normally are has stepped out of the room.
Enter Mommy Lion.
She has questions.
She has concerns.
And she is ready to make sure everyone understands exactly how much this child matters.
And honestly?
I understand.
Because I have been there.
When it is your child, emotions are not a sign that you do not understand the process.
They are a sign that you understand the importance of the process.
Parents are not advocating for a score, a service, or a piece of paperwork.
They are advocating for their child.
Their hopes.
Their fears.
Their future.
Throughout my career and experience — as a teacher, administrator, coordinator, Director of Special Education, and also as a parent — I have learned something important:
Losing control of the conversation does not mean you are moving your child’s needs forward.
I have sat in many different chairs at the IEP table.
I have been the professional trying to help a team find solutions.
I have been the parent wanting someone to understand what I knew about my child.
I have felt the emotion from both perspectives.
And here is what I know:
A parent’s frustration usually comes from love.
A parent’s worry usually comes from wanting the very best for their child.
A parent’s questions usually come from wanting to understand what is happening and what can be done.
But even the strongest love can sometimes make it difficult to see the person sitting across from you.
Because the person answering the phone at 7:00 a.m. may not be the person standing in your way.
They may be the person standing beside your child for eight hours a day.
The teacher welcoming your child each morning.
The special education teacher planning supports and accommodations.
The therapist celebrating progress that others may not see.
The paraprofessional helping your child navigate challenges.
The administrator trying to find solutions within a complicated system.
Are schools perfect?
No.
Are mistakes made?
Yes.
Are there times when parents need to speak up?
Absolutely.
Parents should advocate.
With confidence.
With purpose.
And with knowledge.
But the strongest advocates understand something important:
The goal is not to win the conversation.
The goal is to improve the outcome for the child.
One of the hardest things about special education is that everyone sitting at the table usually cares.
The challenge is that caring people can still misunderstand each other.
A parent may hear a question as a dismissal when it is actually an attempt to understand.
A school team may hear frustration as anger when it is actually fear.
A conversation can quickly become focused on proving a point instead of finding a solution — and suddenly the child who brought everyone to the table is no longer at the center of the conversation.
That is when we have to remember:
We are not opponents.
We are problem-solvers.
The strongest teams are not built because everyone agrees on everything.
They are built because everyone remembers why they are there.
The child.
At Same Team, we believe parents and schools belong in the same conversation.
Parents bring something no one else can — a lifetime of knowing and loving their child.
Schools bring something no one else can — expertise, experience, and the opportunity to support that child every day.
When those things come together, something powerful happens.
The child is seen more completely.
The child is supported more intentionally.
The child has a stronger team.
So before making that 7:00 a.m. phone call…
Before sending that email written entirely IN ALL CAPS!!! …
Before Mommy Lion grabs the microphone and starts her own TED Talk…
Remember the goal.
Remember the child.
Remember that the person on the other end of the conversation may not be the problem.
They may be the person who needs to stand beside you.
Because advocacy creates awareness.
But partnership creates progress.
And maybe Taylor Swift was onto something.
Sometimes we all need to calm down.
Not because we do not care.
Not because our concerns do not matter.
Not because we should stop showing up for our children.
But because the strongest teams are not built by the loudest voice in the room.
They are built by people who can say:
“Here is what I am worried about.”
“Here is what I am seeing.”
“Help me understand.”
“Let’s figure this out together.”
So yes…
Take a breath.
Put the claws away.
Because the goal was never to prove who was right.
The goal was always to help the child.
And when parents and schools learn to listen, understand, and work together…
that is when the real magic happens.
The child is seen.
The child is supported.
The child has a team.
So maybe Taylor was right after all.
Sometimes we do need to calm down.
Because when we do…
we make room for what matters most.
The child.
Stories about the students and families Dr. Long served are composites, with names, schools, and details changed. Stories about her own family are her own. About the author.